Where to start...
As I take a deep breath and ponder the last few months my heart is overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with joy first and foremost...but also overwhelmed with missing my son - and life without him here.
I am oh-so grateful that we get to see him on a weekly basis. But I miss him every day. I miss his smile and his laugh and his wonderful sense of humor. I miss him jumping up to pick up something I have dropped or to be the first to open a door or do a 1000 other wonderful little things that were so special and made me love him more than words can express. Most of you know I feel. You're mothers. Or fathers.
But...back to the joy part.
I will not lie...these last months have been the hardest of my life. But they have also been...the sweetest. I love this quote by Adoniram Judson:
“You are now drinking the bitter cup whose dregs I am somewhat acquainted with. And though, for some time, you have been aware of its approach, I venture to say that is far bitterer than you expected. It is common for persons in your situation to refuse all consolation, to cling to the dead, and to fear that they shall too soon forget the dear object of their affections. But don’t be concerned. I can assure you that months and months of heart-rending anguish are before you, whether you will or not. Yet take the bitter cup with both hands, and sit down to your repast. You will soon learn a secret, that there is sweetness at the bottom…
We are drinking deeply of this cup - and it is true - the sweetness is at the bottom. It is always at the bottom. God wants us to tip our heads back and drink deeply of the cup He has handed us called life...and we will find that we canTaste and see that the LORD is good!
How blessed is the person who trusts in him!
Psalm 34:8
So HOW are we finding joy in a situation that is heart-breaking at best?
GOD IS FAITHFUL.
Yep. It's that simple. He has shown Himself faithful in a million little ways. And some pretty big ways as well. Over the last few months He has:
- Provided for our every need. We lost 1/3 of our income when Samuel left, and somehow He has allowed us to remain in a home we can't afford (on paper). He has provided in countless ways through God's people to meet financial and material needs in our lives and in Samuel's. There are many added expenses when one goes to prison. Gas, phone charges, commissary, daily necessities. He even had to have a new Bible bought and sent in. He can't have anything that isn't completely new sent straight from the merchant. But God has raised up some very caring and generous people to help us help him.
- Met us in our grief and is slowly but surely lifting our heads and letting us find purpose and meaning in this season of our life.
- Taught (or is teaching us :-)) there will be an "afterwords." Do you know who He has taught us that through? Samuel. His confidence and trust in God has been unwavering. Oh, he's cried himself to sleep plenty of nights. But He says over and over again that "God is in control" and he knows that He has a perfect plan for him. And he doesn't want to miss any of it. We don't either.
- Used our church to be an incredible support and blessing to us. When this situation first happened we were so....lost. Our (now) Pastor's wife was coming to our temporary home to tutor Samuel in algebra and Pastor would come along and visit with us during that time. When my husband told him we didn't know where we would end up going to church or what we would be doing (we wanted to dig a hole and hide in it and never come out...) he said, "Well. You have to go somewhere! You might as well come to Anchor!" So we did! And are we sooo glad we did!! They have loved us, wept with us, rebuked us, exhorted us, prayed with and for us, laughed with us, and have gotten us through this time in the way the New Testament church is supposed to do. To God be the glory.
My husband has a saying right now, "We are done playing church!" What he means by that is that we are done putting on sweet christian faces and giving lip-service to God and man, pretending to love them both while keeping our white-washed sepulchers ...well, white-washed! LOVE is an ACTION! Love doesn't throw your brother under the bus. Love doesn't kick them when they are at their lowest. Love gets dirty. Down and dirty. On their level. In the trenches. And loves them UP and OUT. We've learned a lot about love this past year-and-a-half. And we were some of the most filthy, empty, self-righteous, judgmental white-washed sepulchers out there. And we were in good company. I know our Father has to be grieved and sickened by how we treat each other...all in the name of "maintaining a christian testimony" before the world. A world who isn't fooled one bit and wants nothing to do with that kind of Christianity. Sorry for the rant. As I said, we are done "playing church" and that kind of Christianity and are day by day learning how to truly love and serve our fellow man... And THAT'S where Tay comes in....
We would like to officially introduce you to our Godson, Devonte L. Walker!
Devonte, or Tay, was Samuel's first cell mate when he was moved to Racine. They had met each other up at Dodge, and Tay was excited to have Samuel put in his cell while he was on intake at Racine. They were cellmates for about 2 months and became very good friends - and brothers :-). Tay is from Milwaukee and is a little more... street savvy and he and his friends could tell Samuel was not - so they made sure they had his back. That won us over from the beginning.
Samuel and Tay really enjoyed their time together, and Tay would tell you that he and his friends were amazed at Samuel's cheerful countenance and outlook on his situation. They were not only cellmates, they found that they were brothers in Christ and enjoyed many conversations together about the things of the Lord. They also were able to attend Bible studies and chapel together and played in the band and sang together. Tay and his friends also thought Samuel was pretty funny and would love to hear stories about living the "country life." But it also made Tay hungry for something he has never known....what it is like to have a father, a dad to do things with and learn things from. But more on that in a minute.... :-)
Soon Samuel would learn of Tay's financial situation - and that he hadn't spoke to his mother on the phone for quite some time, so he asked if Tay could use his own phone minutes to call his mom once or twice a week. We didn't mind at all, and it made us all happy to know that he could talk to her. Tay was very grateful.
Soon Samuel realized that Tay hadn't seen his mom in months as well, and asked if there was any way I could go to Milwaukee and pick her up and bring her down to see Tay. So, I called Tay's mother, Tronna, introduced myself, and asked if I could come pick her up and take her to see her son. She had already been approved to see him, but doesn't drive, and if I said she was thrilled - that would be a gross understatement! :-)
That first visit I will never forget, and words cannot express my joy at not only being able to take her to see her son (we do it on a regular basis now), but I have had the privilege of sharing my testimony with her and sharing the gospel with her several times. Tronna is a very simple and sweet woman. I love her dearly. Please pray for her. She has 5 children, Deon, Devonte, Lillie, and Zakhee. Her second oldest, Martrell, was killed in 2009. Living in downtown Milwaukee has not been good for her boys. They are considering moving to the Whitewater area to get her children off the streets. We are trying to help her.
(L-R)- Tay's sister, Lillie and her 3 boys, Tay's brother Zakhee, and his Mother, Tronna
I now have picked up another girl from Milwaukee, Ariel, and her little girl, London, and have taken her to see her boyfriend while her car has not been running. Again I have had some wonderful opportunities with Ariel and she is very special to me as well. These are all part of our lives now, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It broke my heart when Ariel said she has never roasted a marshmallow over a bonfire. We will definitely have to remedy that! :-)
Samuel and Tay really enjoyed their time together, and Tay would tell you that he and his friends were amazed at Samuel's cheerful countenance and outlook on his situation. They were not only cellmates, they found that they were brothers in Christ and enjoyed many conversations together about the things of the Lord. They also were able to attend Bible studies and chapel together and played in the band and sang together. Tay and his friends also thought Samuel was pretty funny and would love to hear stories about living the "country life." But it also made Tay hungry for something he has never known....what it is like to have a father, a dad to do things with and learn things from. But more on that in a minute.... :-)
Soon Samuel would learn of Tay's financial situation - and that he hadn't spoke to his mother on the phone for quite some time, so he asked if Tay could use his own phone minutes to call his mom once or twice a week. We didn't mind at all, and it made us all happy to know that he could talk to her. Tay was very grateful.
Soon Samuel realized that Tay hadn't seen his mom in months as well, and asked if there was any way I could go to Milwaukee and pick her up and bring her down to see Tay. So, I called Tay's mother, Tronna, introduced myself, and asked if I could come pick her up and take her to see her son. She had already been approved to see him, but doesn't drive, and if I said she was thrilled - that would be a gross understatement! :-)
That first visit I will never forget, and words cannot express my joy at not only being able to take her to see her son (we do it on a regular basis now), but I have had the privilege of sharing my testimony with her and sharing the gospel with her several times. Tronna is a very simple and sweet woman. I love her dearly. Please pray for her. She has 5 children, Deon, Devonte, Lillie, and Zakhee. Her second oldest, Martrell, was killed in 2009. Living in downtown Milwaukee has not been good for her boys. They are considering moving to the Whitewater area to get her children off the streets. We are trying to help her.
I now have picked up another girl from Milwaukee, Ariel, and her little girl, London, and have taken her to see her boyfriend while her car has not been running. Again I have had some wonderful opportunities with Ariel and she is very special to me as well. These are all part of our lives now, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It broke my heart when Ariel said she has never roasted a marshmallow over a bonfire. We will definitely have to remedy that! :-)
London Nashae
Love this
Cutie Pie ----------->
:-)
To continue the story about Tay...
One day after Samuel had been in Racine for a little over a couple of months, we got a phone call on a Saturday afternoon from Tay to thank us for helping him and his family. While it was not necessary, we appreciated his thoughtfulness. This would also be the phone call that would change our lives.
Tay had been to chapel that morning, and part of the message encouraged the young men that if they did not have godly parents, to find a godly couple and ask them if they would be their Godparents. To say that we were humbled and moved that Tay asked us to be his Godparents would be another understatement. We also were impressed that Tay called his Mama and asked her if she would mind and what she thought about it before he called us. We talked it over and prayed about it - but pretty much knew from the first moment that this is what the Lord would have us to do.
I don't know how to describe our relationship with Tay in any other way than it was 'love at first sight!' Actually it would be a bit before we would "see" him and got to know him quite well on the phone until we were finally approved to be able to visit him. We now visit him and Samuel every Saturday and Tuesdays if we can. We were initially told we could not see two inmates on the same day, so we would go on Saturdays to see Samuel and back on Sundays to see Tay. One of the CO's caught what we were doing and told us that we had been misinformed ( I called the prison to ask about that, and then just to make sure, I talked to the front desk Sargent to double-check ...and they BOTH told us we had to visit on separate days... :-/ ). So we were thrilled to find that we could visit both of them on the same day! But oh - those chairs - it's hard to sit in them for four hours. But at least we can get up - because we have to go out of the room and be cleared to come back in again... :-) (all we can do is smile and obey...). It is truly worth it. Every moment.
Lee and Tay have really taken to each other and it has been beautiful to watch. Tay calls us Mama and Dad and we know that we will be part of his life until the Lord takes us Home. When I got off the phone with Tay the other day, I asked my husband, "Can you believe that we are involved with downtown Milwaukee ex-gang members? And... aren't afraid?" :-) God has done a wonderful work in our hearts and has been teaching us much about love... :-)
I keep telling Tay I can't wait to have all of his cute black babies running around our place....he just laughs. :-) Tay is a thoughtful, respectful, wise young man and we are thrilled at the prospect of he and Dad doing things together and being part of his life when he gets out next year. Tay has never fished. Or worked in a garden. Or rode on a riding lawnmower. We write back and forth and talk to him several times a week. We make each other laugh and we pray with and for each other very often. We love him very much! This indeed is another fruit God has brought out of this very hard thing. But we are grateful to the Lord and are excited about future ministry opportunities! Here are some pictures of Tay from "before"...
I would be remiss if I did not once again mention our church, Anchor Bible Church, who has gotten right on board with our "ministry" to the young men at the prison and their families. We now have several inmates that call us Mama and Dad and several that we are praying for daily. Many of them jump on the phone to say hello and more than once we have been able to call one of their family members while they were on the phone with us to convey a necessary message for them. They are very very grateful even for those small favors. These are young men that we know nothing about but love them anyway. Young men with nicknames like Fetti, Manman, Mo, and several of Samuel's friends, Corey, Harville, Watford, Daley, and Enneper.
Many of these young men are having daily Bible studies and/or devotions together and encourage each other to "keep looking UP." Our church is planning on doing services there when our Pastor gets approved to do so... (If I have never mentioned it before....the prison system is very S - L - O - W). They also pray for us and these young men and the women whom I have opportunity to tell that God loves them very much and wants to have a relationship with them. Then, on my Birthday, our church gave me the best present of all...they informed us that the church had decided to help support our "ministry" financially --and well, to say that we were surprised, humbled, and thrilled - would be -- you guessed it -- another HUGE understatement!
GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!
When we left the Camp, we were told by someone at camp that we would "never be in the ministry again." And that there is no hope for someone like Samuel (and by association - us).
Those that have said there is no hope for us - well... are right. Outside of Jesus Christ, that is. But HE is everything we struggle to be: KIND. MERCIFUL. COMPASSIONATE. LOVING. And He has a plan. And we are smack-dab, right in the center of it. He heaps Grace upon Grace on us, His children who are willing to, by His grace, "bow the knee."
Our First Couple of Letters from Tay...
